Flirting Fails 101
by Reade-Queen-Of-Versailles
Summary: Or, nine ways NOT to use pick-up lines (that Jay learnt the hard way), and the one time it landed him a date. {One-shot. Suggestive themes.}


**Flirting Fails 101**

 _Fail #1:_

For some reason, Jay really wanted to flirt right now. It might have been the fact that he secretly wanted to make Lonnie jealous. Or maybe it was because he spent a whole night watching his friends smush up to their significant others.

Either way, he did.

The first girl he saw was Janelle, Jasmine's daughter. What he knew was that she was really pretty.

What he didn't know was that she was an innocently clean girl and hated his guts.

"Hey, Janelle," he greeted in a voice that made all the girls around them swoon. Janelle slammed her locker shut and glared at him in a very unnerving way. Luckily for Jay, he was used to unnerving glares on the Isle. So he flashed her a perfect smile that made every other girl clutch their hearts and swoon.

"Can I help you?" Janelle asked coldly as she slung her book-bag over one shoulder.

"Feisty," Jay smirked. "I like that in a woman."

Janelle was so offended and mad, all she could do was splutter in disbelief. Unfortunately, Jay took this as a sign that she was speechless with his charm.

"Hey, do you want to come to my room tonight?" Jay asked, making the closest girl next to them faint. "I could show you a whole new world…"

That did it. Janelle screamed in anger and whacked her book-bag over Jay's face. The book-bag was filled with heavy books ranging from size. The stubborn girl walked away, cursing under her breath.

 _Moral:_

"Ow," Jay winced as Evie held a packet of frozen peas to his cheek. Mal stared at him. "Jay, has it ever occured to you that maybe Janelle might hate you because your dad's Jafar?"

"No?"

"Well, I hope you learnt your lesson, then," Carlos piped up.

Jay grunted as Evie applied pressure to his face. "Yeah, trust me, I have."

—

 _Fail #2_

Jay liked girls who could do things for themselves.

Which was why he started dating Ailia DunBroch.

Ailia pushed the huge mass of fiery corkscrew curls away from her face as Jay walked up to her, smirking like he had won the lottery. "Good afternoon, Dunny."

"Don't call me that," Ailia snapped. She was in a bad mood because Chad was being a douche about her hair.

"You know, Ailia," Jay began. "I have a special watch on."

"Oh, no…" Mal moaned.

"You know this one?" Carlos asked from next to her as he picked up Dude.

"Yes, and it's a bad one. O Innocent Carlos, please cover your ears."

Ailia raised an eyebrow. "Yea? What's so special 'bout it?"

"Well, it can tell me whether or not you have underwear on," Jay answered cockily. Ailia turned the shade of her hair. Jay paused for effect. "And it says you don't have any on."

"Exuse me? Ah very well know whether or not I have undies on, and I do!" Ailia shouted.

Although, the worse was yet to come.

"Oh, sorry. I think my watch is ten minutes late."

Carlos screamed like an idiot. Mal glared at him. "I told you to cover your ears!" she scolded.

"Well, Dude kinda rubbed off me," Carlos shrugged.

"I flunked obidience class," Dude repeated proudly.

 _Moral:_

Mal was struggling to hold Ailia back as the hotheaded Scot screamed in fury. "Lemme at 'im, lemme at 'im!"

Evie grabbed Jay and hauled him away, muttering things about appropriate times and places.

The next day, Ailia and Jay had broken up. And she had hurt his pride.

—

 _Fail #3_

Ariel's second daughter was named Pearl. Pearl had fallen for charming, enigmatic Jay the second she set eyes on him. She had a lovely voice, perfect looks and a happy attitude, so Jay had immediately soight her out as his girlfriend.

Jay had planned a night out at Sebastian's, a popular jazz club. Pearl was more than happy to oblige. Dressed in a seashell-patterned strapless, they headed out.

As the couple danced to live music, Jay (the idiot) took this as a perfect chance to use one of his pick-up lines. And since Pearl was such a gentle, good-humored being, surely she would find it perfectly charming.

"Hey, Pearl," he began as his girlfriend sang along to 'Under the Sea'. "Do you know which of the lyrics here I agree with the most?"

Pearl shook her head and paused her singing and dancing for a while. "So what is it?"

Jay smirked. "Darling, it's better down where it's wetter."

Pearl nodded. "Oh, okay…wait, WHAT?!"

And then she slammed a wine glass over his head.

 _Moral:_

Evie placed another pack of frozen peas over Jay's head. There was a huge bandaid on his forehead and Jay kept mumbling about how it was "covering his handsome forehead" and "not very good for the ladies", but Evie only patiently listened to his rambling and continued pressing the peas on.

—

 _Fail #4_

Jay had wisely decided to quit dating for a while. He felt it would be safer, but still flirted nonstop. Luckily, Evie had an extra large pack of bandaids ready and two packets of frozen peas.

Jay was currently talking to Flynt, Rapunzel and Eugene's daughter. Apparantly Eugene still liked the name Flynn.

Flynt had long brown hair with a blonde streak through it. She always tied it into a thick braid and draped it down her back. Flynt was a spontaneous and adventurous person, which was why Jay liked her.

Of course, he decided to use a pick-up line on her.

"Hey there, Flynt," he greeted. Flynt smiled politely. "Good morning, Jay."

"Your hair's nice," Jay complimented. Evie watched from a distance with Carlos and Mal, frozen peas in hand.

"Thank you!" Flynt smiled. If there was something she loved, it was her hair.

"You know, your hair matches my sheets perfectly," Jay smirked.

"What?"

"Your hair—"

SMASH!

 _Moral:_

Evie rushed over and placed the frozen peas onto Jay's head. Flynt swung her frying pan in her hand.

"Frying pans? Who knew, right?" she smiled, and then walked off whistling.

—

 _Fail #5_

Audrey was so polite, surely she wouldn't do anything violent to Jay.

So she was his next flirting victim.

Jay sauntered up to Audrey, who was chatting to Lonnie and Chad.

"Hey Audrey," he smiled. "When you've been with me, you're going to want to spend more time in bed then your mum did."

Audrey smiled politely. "Oh, so I'm going to sleep?" she asked, confused.

It was Chad who got it. "Exuse me!" he shouted. "Audrey and I are dating! And how dare you say that to a princess! What kind of dirty-minded freak are you?!"

 _Moral:_

Chad's 3 hour rant was punishment enough.

—

 _Fail #6_

Ally, Alice's daughter, was painting a picture of a teapot in art class when Jay sauntered up. He hadn't flirted with anyone or used any pick-up for a fortnight. Ally wasn't a violent girl, and all her friends were pretty safe too. She didn't have a boyfriend either. So he went up to her and gave a grin.

"Why, hello there Ally," he grinned. Ally turned to him and blushed. "Hello, Jay," she responded.

"Hey, are you free tonight?" Jay asked. Ally nodded.

"Yeah, I am. Why?"

"Well, would you mind if I went exploring down your rabbit hole?"

 _Moral:_

On Evie's desk lay bottles of hand sanitiser, shampoo, soap, baby wipes, nail polish remover, and a jug of water. And lots and lots of tissues.

Jay held out his arms as Evie, Mal, and Carlos scrubbed him clean. Mal was wiping furiously at the blue paint, Carlos poured shampoo over Jay's green-painted hair, and Evie soaped his neck and arms.

Well, at least he was a colourful display.

—

 _Fail #7_

Jay trudged through the hallways, utterly depressed. He still had an orange stain on his shirt from the paint. There was a bruise on his face, too. He felt a little miserable. Actually, a lot miserable.

However, he brightened up when he saw the new girl, Tara. She had thick brown hair in cornrows and tan skin. He decided to tell her a joke instead of a pick-up line, which hopefully would impress her.

"Hey Tara, wanna hear a joke?" he started.

Tara shrugged.

"What did Simba say to Nala?"

She shrugged again.

"With you around, Pride Rock isn't the only thing hard."

Moral:

"How was I supposed to know she was besties with Simba and Nala's daughter? She's an effin' lion!" Jay shouted, exasperated as he massaged his neck.

"Jay, she's the fucking daughter of Tarzan. And she can talk to animals," Mal deadpanned. Tara had tried to strangle Jay. Luckily, a teacher broke her off and she calmly walked away like nothing happened.

"…I knew that."

—

Fail #8

"Jay, seriously?" Carlos groaned as Jay walked up to him, holding the hand of a polynesian girl.

"Carlos, this is Ocean. Her mum's Moana. Ocean, this is my mate, Carlos," Jay introduced. Carlos and Ocean shook hands. "Now if you don't mind, Ocean and I and going to go for a walk."

"Did someone say walk?" Dude perked up, but the couple had already gone.

Jay and Ocean were strolling by a big lake. Suddenly, Jay had a stupid idea to use one of his pick-up lines.

"Hey Ocean, I know how to make your body match your name," he began.

Ocean looked confused. "Oh? What do you mean by that?"

"Very, very, wet."

Moral:

Jay walked into his room dripping wet with seaweed clinging to his face and hair. Carlos raised his eyebrows.

"I didn't know Ocean could control water," Jay muttered as he picked some algae off his nose. "And apparantly her name's symbolic and stuff."

—

 _Fail #9_

So far, Janelle, Ailia, Pearl, Flynt, Audrey, Ally, Tara and Ocean all hated his guts. So he had very little selections left. As he scrolled through his phone, he spotted someone's phone number that he didn't recongise. But he guessed that it was given to him by a girl who had fallen for him.

So he tried texting whoever it was.

 _Hey there._

He got a reply straight away.

 _Hi. Who's this?_

 _This is Jay. Who's this?_

 _I'm Victoria. Did I give you my number?_

 _Probably._

Suddenly, Jay realised that since they were texting, if he used a pick-up line, nothing bad would happen to him. So he wrote:

 _Are you tired?_

 _No, why?_

 _Because you've been running through my mind all day._

He waited for a response.

 _With my legs?_

 _Duh, with your legs._

 _Moral:_

"I didn't know she was physically disabled!" Jay complained as Mal glared at him. And boy, could that girl glare.

—

 _The One Time It Landed Him A Date:_

Jay did like Lonnie. A lot. Possibly more than the other girls. So he decided to use a pick-up line on her.

Jay sauntered up to Lonnie, who was chatting to Jane. Jay had always been a bit of a flirt, so this seemed normal.

"Hey, Lonnie," Jay greeted as the Chinese girl turned to him.

"Hey, Jay," she replied. "Can I help you?"

"You know, Lonnie, I think you're my type."

Lonnie only raised an eyebrow. "Oh really? How so?"

"I like women who can handle a long sword…if you know what I mean."

Jane albeit fainted. Lonnie just stared.

And stared.

And stared.

And then burst out laughing. She laughed for about ten minutes, rolling on the floor with tears streaming down her cheeks. She chortled and snorted and giggled and chuckled. Jay was rather miffed.

"You have no idea how many times I've heard that!" Lonnie giggled. "Oh my ancestors, but no one's said it like you did! 'I like women who can handle a long sword…'" she mimiced.

When she was done laughing, Lonnie straightened up. "You know, you're probably the only guy who's made me laugh by that."

At this, Jay grinned. "So…wanna go out?"

Lonnie paused, startled. And then she grinned.

"Sure."

 **Okay, this was crap. I know. I just had this idea and had to write it. So, yeah.**


End file.
